Figure Skating: Make-up, and spinning, and sequins - OH MY!

So as I said before, I am going to be talking about the sports that don’t receive a lot of recognition and figure skating is definitely one of them. I don’t know about you, but having grown up in Canada, I was thrown into figure skating at the ripe old age of 3 in an attempt to learn how to skate. Skating down at the local pond with my brothers and having the wind push me across the ice was my real teacher but I quickly mastered the basic skills of grabbing on to the boards if I was going too fast or making the pile of snow with my pink figure skates in learning how to stop. However, the twirling, the jumping, the elegant gliding across the ice as my Mom captured the Kodak moments from the confines of the bleachers, that whole thing just didn’t do it for me. I often complained that my feet hurt and they would take me home where I would continue to play mini-stick hockey with my brothers in the foyer. You can put me in a frilly skirt but you can’t make me spin on ice. But of course, during certain times of the year and especially during the Olympics, when we are bombarded with the dragqueen make-up and the sequined costumes (I have a secret obsession with all things that are sequined) I often can’t help but think what my song choice would be for my long program if I was a figure skater. Watching the movies The Mighty Ducks or The Sandlot, has a similar effect on me with baseball and hockey as I long to become a master of each sport. But then I remembered that baseball sucks. Ya, I said it, but I digress.

You have to give it up for the figure skaters. They are bad-ass bitches and real athletes who throw themselves into the air on ice doing the most outrageous things that I wouldn’t even attempt doing on solid ground and that is a feat that must be commended. The skill, the elegance, the strength and agility is just the tip of the ice berg of the athletic prowess that they possess which transcends into a beautiful dance on ice. They use their skills to perform jumps like the triple salchow (pronounced sow-cow) that sounds more like Chinese food, or a double lutz combination which could potentially be a drink that one would order at Starbucks. But as glamorous and showy as figure skating may be, these athletes have the wear and tear, broken bones and bruises that any athlete would have training at a top level. And you have to have a little bit of crazy in you to do what they do.

This past weekend was the figure skating world championships that took place in Los Angeles. Our very own Joannie Rochette finished second in an incredible showing while Kim Ya-Na of South Korea finished first. This of course sets a promising stage for Rochette in hopes of being a medal contender for the 2010 Olympics. Now here is where my smutty sense is tingling and it is a talent taught none other by Lainey from Laineygossip.com. Kim Ya-Na, is from South Korea but her coach and mentor is none other than THE Canadian Olympic medalist himself, Brian Orser. Brian freaking Orser. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that? Yes, I know there are several situations in sports where the coach of an athlete or team is not from the country of which the athlete represents. But having just got a taste of what the skating culture is like, and I’m talking think of your worse hockey/soccer mom experience and multiply that by 10 and maybe you will be closer to a skating mentality, but it is fierce competition in the skating world. The gossip that goes on behind the scenes makes Britney Spears smut seem like sandbox talk for toddlers. But as if Canada has enough problems in amateur sports in seeking funding, sponsorships or recognition for that matter, you would think that Brian Orser would assist in the Canadian amateur sport landscape as much as he can. *Snaps the finger* Oh no he didn’t!

I have since decided that I would only become a figure skater if the music for my programs could include lyrics. Currently you are unable to have music that contains lyrics. I couldn’t imagine doing a routine that wasn’t to the tune of a Backstreet Boys song. I do keep the Backstreet pride alive. Always.

Yours in sports and stilettos,

Scotty